Step 1 in Breaking the Vicious Love Circle: Self-Discovery
In my latest blog posts, I introduced you to the idea of the vicious love circle for successful business women; I’ve explored why you are always unlucky in love, using my cabbage theory to demonstrate why you feel trapped and so far away from your true self.
Now you are in a place of understanding, it’s finally time to break this vicious circle and unpeel the layers of the cabbage for good. It’s not an easy journey and there may be some twists and turns along the way, but today’s blog post is the first step towards living your life to the full, with the man of your dreams by your side.
And it all begins with a process called self-discovery, which is all about knowing who you really are, owning your true self and bringing her out for the world to see.
But why do I need to know myself to break the vicious love circle?
It’s quite simple; if you’re not sure of who you are, then how can you even begin to know what you want in a relationship? And when you don’t know what you are looking for in a relationship - what your standards and principles are - then how can you meet the right man?
In my previous posts, I explained how, in your pursuit of success, your high-achieving career as a business woman has led you to sacrifice and push down parts of yourself. Climbing the ladder involved a success mindset which works really well in your career, but it is also the number one reason why so many successful women struggle to have deep and loving relationships; a success mindset overrides the love mindset you need to thrive in your personal and love life.
Where is that little girl?
This success mindset is about succeeding at any price and, based on my experience from working with successful business women, it’s a mindset that comes at the expense of your true identity, your genuine desires and dreams. Just think back to when you were younger. You were a fun, playful and energetic little girl, full of laughter and joy, curious about life and loving to those around you. That’s what you’ve lost touch with. She’s still there, deep down inside of you, she’s just hidden really well because she’s not allowed to be part of the strict business world. There they have a strict definition of success, and you have to play by those rules to succeed.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to have ambition, but at what price have your achievements come about? Remember, you are reading this blog because a part of you is not happy with what you have got. Somewhere inside of you, you are no longer satisfied with your success, because this little girl is dying to come out, shine and show the world your beauty.
Getting back in touch with this little girl inside of you is the journey back to the real you, because this little girl is who you really are. She’s who you were before things happened to you, before this business life consumed you, so this is what the first step of breaking the vicious love circle is all about - reconnecting to this little girl and letting her shine again.
And this is when the magic happens…this is when you change, you are still successful (trust me!) but your success is now aligned with who you really are. You feel different and this is when the right man naturally appears in your life and you don’t need to even work hard to make it happen… it just flows, like it was meant to be.
So what does self-discovery entail?
Self-discovery isn’t just about your values or who you are in your job role; it’s about what lies behind your professional titles, achievements and successes at work. Self-discovery is about what makes your heart sing, your eyes sparkle and a huge smile break free across your face - those things that make you the special, individual woman you really are, unique from anyone else out there.
In practical philosophy, there are two parts to the self - the ‘becoming’ and the ‘being’. The first is all the things that are constantly changing - promotions, marital status, children - and sometimes this is what you confuse with your true self.
But it is the ‘being’ that really matters when you’re on a journey of self-discovery. This is the part of you that never changes, no matter how old you are or what you are doing. It is those core parts of your identity, the real you deep down, that never changes and makes you unique.
But how do I know I’ve found myself?
Self-discovery can feel pretty immeasurable, especially if you’ve spent so long pushing the real you down for the sake of your career. But there are ways to track whether you reconnect to the real you and not just another layer in the cabbage you’ve become. Here’s how I explain it...
When you don’t know who you really are, it can feel like you are stood on one foot and as soon as someone comes along and pushes you a little, you fall straight over. You aren’t stable, with just one foot on the ground, so disappointments in love and self-doubt really impact you, no matter how small they may seem to the rest of the world. But when you do finally re-discover who you really are and live life from this place, it can feel like you are suddenly stood on both two feet and nothing can shake you. You own who you are, regardless of other people’s opinions, because you are totally secure in yourself.
Another way to measure self-discovery is the ‘little girl theory’. This is the feeling, that unblemished connection with yourself, that you are trying to get back. Instead of depending on the external world for validation and approval, you are free to express who you really are, unafraid to laugh, dance and sing like you did when you were a child.
I know it can seem impossible…
When I was looking for ways to break the vicious love circle myself, I tried it all - relationships gurus, love/dating coaches, seminars, retreats, courses… but nothing worked. It wasn’t until years later, when I’d found my own way to break it, that I realised they didn’t work because they had these ‘how to’ strategies built into them. They taught me all the tricks, tips, advice on what women should do to fix their love life. They worked initially, but I quickly found out they were only temporary. They didn’t get to the root cause of the problem.
So I kept dating like crazy, receiving compliments of men and loving the fact that they kept inviting me out. But none of those relationships lasted and that’s because I was still dating the WRONG men. Some of them even ‘ticked all of my boxes’ and I truly believed they would be great partners, but something always went wrong. I didn’t feel close, intimate or like I could really relate to them. The coaches I worked with even suggested I play games to make these men like me.
And that’s the biggest problem with the ‘how to’ approach; it comes from the assumption that I’m not good enough the way I am, I have to do certain things to attract a guy and I need to change myself to get that guy. That’s how I ended up so far away from myself, ending up as someone I hardly recognised anymore.
That is why my approach is unique; it is all about reconnecting to who you really are. I strongly believe you don’t need to change a thing in you to attract the right guy… you are enough just the way you are. You are unique, you have the light inside of you that is different from others, the sparkle that makes you YOU.
My approach gives you the long-term solution, not the short-term fix. It gives you the confidence and security in who you really are, absolute peace of mind and no games to play and “how to” strategies to implement. The only thing I will be teaching you to do is how to get back to who you are. That’s the real key to breaking the vicious love circle.
So how do I get back to my true self?
Self-discovery is a long and complex journey, but one of the first things I suggest practicing is self-awareness. It’s a really small and simple way you can get more in tune with yourself and it can be applied every single day. See how you react to things, how you behave as you go about your daily routine and observe whether any patterns arise. Write down what makes you tick and what doesn’t and recognise whether you hold any boundaries that might be worth pushing through. Throw a few spontaneous activities into your days and be aware of how you react. Slowly but surely these simple practices will cultivate the understanding you need to truly discover who you are.
Becoming more self-aware also requires that you pay attention to yourself in real life to see how you respond to situations and people, what sorts of thoughts you keep thinking, what motivates and excites you, what drains you, scares you, and frustrates you, and just overall how you approach the world.
Self-discovery is only the first step in breaking the vicious circle of love for good, so keep an eye out on my blog posts or sign up to my newsletter to be the first to hear when I share the 2 more secrets to a happy and fulfilled love life. And if you need help in your journey of self-discovery, then sign up for a FREE discovery call with me today!